Finding a Spiritual Companion / Director

Nick provides a way of helping people find a Spiritual Director. He sees about 100 people a year seeking a new Director and is able to suggest people to approach.

The preferred way of doing this is to have a half to three-quarter hour meeting. 

In this meeting several things are explored:

• understanding of what Spiritual support is sought
• the sort of person who might meet this
• people who might fulfil this
• how to choose the right person 

The intention is that anyone seeking a Spiritual companion will leave this meeting a clear sense of finding the right person for them.

Nick is open to requests from anyone for this.

The Retreat Association, publish a leaflet called 'Choosing a Spiritual Guide' which is also helpful

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Finding a Spiritual Companion

Many people now recognise that it can be helpful to have a spiritual companion or guide. This is often called a 'Spiritual Director'. Another term used is ‘Soul Friend’. The key understanding of this relationship is that these people do not ‘direct’, but have the intention to let the Holy Spirit to be the guide. This is a long term relationship which develops through meeting several times a year where the focus is ones journey of life and faith.

The choice of a companion for a long-term relationship is likely to have important consequences in your life: so it is worth making the choice carefully.

Arrangements in the Diocese of Sheffield

The Bishop’s Advisor in Spirituality, Revd Nick Helm holds a list of people offering Spiritual Direction in the area. These are a variety of people, lay and ordained, men and women who offer this form of ministry.

Nick is happy to meet anyone interested in finding a Spiritual Companion to explore what sort of person might be suitable and suggest a couple of names to those seeking a Spiritual Director.

What follows is hoped to offer some help towards both finding someone and beyond.

How to go about it?

Choosing a companion is a very personal decision. As you seek a companion, pray for light. You may well find that you become increasingly clear about what you hope for from the relationship. Do reflect on this, so as to make a conscious decision – but in the end, you may want to trust your instinct.

The points below are offered simply as a list of factors you may wish to mull over and then bear in mind as you look for someone. The list is certainly not exhaustive; and some points mentioned may seem to you unimportant, whereas others not mentioned may seem crucial.

Qualities you hope for

Different factors matter to different people. Here are some possibilities.

• Do you especially want your companion to be a woman or a man? A lay person, a priest/minister, or a member of a religious order? (If particular characteristics such as these matter to you, can you say why?)
• Would you like your companion to be a member of the same denomination?
• Do you mind whether your companion is grounded in a particular tradition (eg Benedictine, Ignatian, evangelical, charismatic), or would you like someone with an eclectic approach?
• Do you hope for a companion who shares an interest in something important to you in your prayer life (eg music, poetry, painting, clay)?
• Would you prefer your companion to be someone whom you will not meet in any other context?
• Some people have concerns about their companion’s own preparation; others see this as a matter for the companion.
• Would you like a companion who makes a clear distinction between spiritual direction and counselling/psychotherapy, or one who sees overlaps between them?
• Do you want your companion to have had any specific training in spiritual direction?
• Is it important to you that your companion be practised in a particular personality indicator (Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram)?
• Are you concerned about whether your companion makes an annual retreat?
• Do you want to know whether your companion has her or his own companion?
• Do you want to know whether your companion has access to supervision?

• Practicalities

As well as questions about the nature of the relationship, there are practical factors which may affect your decision.

• How often to you hope to meet (monthly, every two months, three months, by arrangement…)?
• Are you able to travel to meet the companion, or do you need to be visited at home? How far are you willing to travel?
• Might it be important (eg because of a recurrent illness) that the relationship could be conducted by correspondence at some stage?
• Would this relationship affect, or be affected by, any other one-to-one meetings you are having (eg counselling or therapy)?
• How do you view the question of payment? Many companions are able to offer this ministry without charge, while others will welcome a contribution in recognition of their time and the costs of their own training and supervision. (If you are in employment and are invited to make a donation, a possible guideline is whatever you yourself would earn in a hour).

• You may already have someone in mind, or know someone who can suggest possible companions.

• When you have a potential companion in mind, are you able to discuss your choice with someone who has experience of this person?

• The first Meeting

The first meeting will be exploratory – a chance for you to get to know one another, to compare what you hope for with what the companion can offer.

Your companion may suggest that you meet a few times and then review the relationship together. Throughout, do say honestly what you think and feel about your meetings.

Preparing for a meeting

Your meetings will be most fruitful if you prepare for them. Prayer that the Spirit may illuminate your reflections.

• Looking back over the time since the last meeting, what has been going on in your life? How have you been feeling? What have been your prevailing moods during this period?
• Have there been moments when you have been particularly aware of God’s presence or activity in your life? How did you feel at those times? Have there been any surprises?

• What are your current pre-occupations? In your innermost heart, what do you most hope for?